I am going to the eye doctor to find out what is wrong with my eyes. Two trips to my regular doctor didn't fix them. I'm desperate for an answer. I want them better and I want back in my contacts. I hate glasses. Just the pressure of them on my face gives me headaches. Plus the blurred outline in my peripheral vision and the sides wrapped behind my ears lends toward the headaches too. And I have so much shit to do. But no motivation to get it done with this current problem. Coupled with my hand pain, I feel even more punished.
The worst case scenario is I have a horrible disease or infection and need hospitalization or lose my eyes. Best case is I have something treatable but expensive medicine. Even better will be something that just needs a little more time to heal without medicine, but I don't see that one. Nothing with me health wise is easy.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The Lonely Road Ahead
It's been a trying month. I've been to the doctor 3 times already. Some kind of eye problem. Just hoping this new eye drop I paid way too much for fixes the problem. The other thing I went in for thou was my check up on my hands. Not like anything really happens, but this time they asked for new blood tests.
Ah blood tests, the bane of my existence. I have given countless vials of blood in an effort to find out why my hands keep hurting. That little poke of the needle into your vein that makes you cringe and turn away. Even when it hardly hurts. Or worse when they completely miss the vein and have to poke you again. Double ouch!!
And then seeing that thick red liquid filling those vials, your life just draining away for a short amount of time. Our blood is actually green until it hits oxygen in the air. Ever wonder why it doesn't go into those vials green? Because the needles still have a small amount of air in it turning your blood before it hits the vial. Oh how I love science.
But I don't mind seeing the blood. That part I am OK with. It's just seeing body parts or organs or people split open. That repulses me. And usually why I stay away from gory movies. Bleck!!
But I gave 4 vials that day. They were running 6 tests, a couple were panels of tests so not really sure how much was actually done. And you know what? Everything came back normal.
Normal. All my systems are functioning properly. Thyroid, kidneys, liver, autoimmune. They didn't find anything out of the ordinary. I have yet to go take the xrays I also need to do, but I'm sure that will also come back normal.
Part of me was hoping that this time they would find something. That a little blip would show up on some test that was missed last time. Anything that would lead to a better action plan to helping my hands function properly. But 99% of me just knew that they wouldn't find anything because they didn't find anything before. And it didn't even phase me. I didn't cry, didn't cheer, just OK thanks for letting me know. Just a little sigh and about my day as usual.
Because I've cried enough. When my hands get so bad I let it out. There is no one around. Well, MJ is always here, but I just go to a different room. She doesn't understand and doesn't need to see. I do cry a lot, because it's too much for one person to endure for so long. It's been 4 years now since I first walked into my doctor's office and asked her to get some tests done. Logical me assumed it was carpal tunnel from too much computer work. Her first thought was arthritis. Little did we know of the struggle ahead.
She has since moved on to a different office, but I chose to stay and get a second opinion from the other doctor and also nurse practitioner. And even they are struggling to find new answers. There have been a couple guesses thrown out that I have looked in to. But the hard part of that is trying to fit in to the defined mold they have for these conditions. When you have only a couple symptoms, unfortunately you don't get classified.
And so the struggle continues. I wish I had help. I wish I could do more for myself and my family. I wish I could win the lottery so I can hire a full time helper. I wish for many things that I know are impossible. But the thing I wish for right now is someone to hug me and tell me everything I am able to do is enough. Tell me everything is OK. Tell me it will get better.
Ah blood tests, the bane of my existence. I have given countless vials of blood in an effort to find out why my hands keep hurting. That little poke of the needle into your vein that makes you cringe and turn away. Even when it hardly hurts. Or worse when they completely miss the vein and have to poke you again. Double ouch!!
And then seeing that thick red liquid filling those vials, your life just draining away for a short amount of time. Our blood is actually green until it hits oxygen in the air. Ever wonder why it doesn't go into those vials green? Because the needles still have a small amount of air in it turning your blood before it hits the vial. Oh how I love science.
But I don't mind seeing the blood. That part I am OK with. It's just seeing body parts or organs or people split open. That repulses me. And usually why I stay away from gory movies. Bleck!!
But I gave 4 vials that day. They were running 6 tests, a couple were panels of tests so not really sure how much was actually done. And you know what? Everything came back normal.
Normal. All my systems are functioning properly. Thyroid, kidneys, liver, autoimmune. They didn't find anything out of the ordinary. I have yet to go take the xrays I also need to do, but I'm sure that will also come back normal.
Part of me was hoping that this time they would find something. That a little blip would show up on some test that was missed last time. Anything that would lead to a better action plan to helping my hands function properly. But 99% of me just knew that they wouldn't find anything because they didn't find anything before. And it didn't even phase me. I didn't cry, didn't cheer, just OK thanks for letting me know. Just a little sigh and about my day as usual.
Because I've cried enough. When my hands get so bad I let it out. There is no one around. Well, MJ is always here, but I just go to a different room. She doesn't understand and doesn't need to see. I do cry a lot, because it's too much for one person to endure for so long. It's been 4 years now since I first walked into my doctor's office and asked her to get some tests done. Logical me assumed it was carpal tunnel from too much computer work. Her first thought was arthritis. Little did we know of the struggle ahead.
She has since moved on to a different office, but I chose to stay and get a second opinion from the other doctor and also nurse practitioner. And even they are struggling to find new answers. There have been a couple guesses thrown out that I have looked in to. But the hard part of that is trying to fit in to the defined mold they have for these conditions. When you have only a couple symptoms, unfortunately you don't get classified.
And so the struggle continues. I wish I had help. I wish I could do more for myself and my family. I wish I could win the lottery so I can hire a full time helper. I wish for many things that I know are impossible. But the thing I wish for right now is someone to hug me and tell me everything I am able to do is enough. Tell me everything is OK. Tell me it will get better.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)