Hoping For A Cure That Never Comes

As I crawled into bed at 10pm tonight, exhausted, I pushed play on my random movie thinking I was minutes away from sleep and tomorrow. 4 hours later and yours truly is still awake, thinking of all the things I could've accomplished had I known I'd be awake this whole time. I don't even feel tired anymore. Guess it was body rest I needed instead of sleep. Because here comes the worst part.

The pain has settled in for the night.

The pain that never truly goes away.

The pain that burns, aches, and stabs like a rusty dull knife, or a super sharp one that hits the right nerves and travels into your fingers or back up into your arms.

The pain I would never wish on anyone.

The pain that keeps me home when I want to go out and play.

The pain that feels like a punishment.

This shit is getting old. I'm tired of doctor hopping. I want a fucking answer and a cure. I want to stop putting on a fake smile and actually not lie when I say I'm doing fine. I want to go to work and provide for my family. I don't want to struggle in the summer when the electric gets high. I want to go out and visit friends. I want to take MJ to the park, the zoo, all sorts of places by myself instead of scheduling help for those things. I want to drive further than 15 minutes. I want to lift a gallon of milk without wincing in pain. 

But I can't. And the worst part is, people just don't understand. I need so much help that I can't afford. There are things I should be able to do like any normal person but I can't. It sucks. I cry a lot. I want to do these things. People look at me like I'm a lazy person. Tell me to go get a job. That I just look after a kid, I know nothing about what a hard day of work is. Or go to your doctor and get it fixed and get back to work. I wish you could be me for a week. 

And it's been bad. Real bad this pass couple weeks. I don't know if it's stress, hormones, or just me trying to do some work. I try to push thru and get some things done. I've gotten so good at lying that I even lie to myself. I don't want to deal. People don't want to hear about your problems over and over and over. So you just say you're OK or fine. You smile and laugh where appropriate even thou inside you're dying. I clentch my teeth a lot when the pain increases. You won't see it on my face though unless a real zinger cuts thru. Or you touch my hands on a sensitive day. 

I hope you never have to find what it feels like to be in this much pain. To have to air dry your hands because the touch of a towel hurts. To never know what not being able to grip your eating utensils feels like. To not being able to curl your hands to grip anything. The pain of having to leave your job that you worked hard to get because you couldn't do it anymore. To wake up each morning wondering what your pain level is and what you can tolerate.

If only you could understand, then maybe you would stop judging me.