There's a lot that's been going on around here. But still the most prevalent is the way people treat me. And I know I can't change how others feel about me, but I'm sure tired of being treated like shit. And being treated like I'm stupid. That's the worst. I'm just tired of it. I'm not stupid!!! I'm actually pretty smart, and I have common sense. Just because I stay home with MJ, and stumble over my words cause of my pain meds, doesn't mean I'm an idiot. And I stay home because I live in a state where childcare is more expensive than what I made working. And my medical condition.
Another is when people think I can't or don't know how to do things. Again, goes with getting treated like I'm stupid. But it's like they go out of their way to ask someone else in front of me, like I could never know the answer. I don't know how to handle today. It's just so annoying. I want to help, I want to show you I can do it. I'm not the horrible person you think I am. I really just hate being treated like this all the time.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
What My Summer Was
Summer here is still going on while in other areas fall weather is already here. I'm already longing for the cooler days. I want to open my windows, air out the house. I want to play with MJ more outside instead of in. I have many weeds to pull out of the yard. And soon I'll be planting the veggie garden again. I just started my seeds today.
My summer went by pretty fast. I spent most of June out of state, helping my mother in law. At least I hope I helped. If anything she had MJ's company and that can help make anyone smile. July flew by with trying to get more things unpacked and organized, and the husband having his vein surgery every Monday. It better work this time too, his veins were so big! He had it done once before but it didn't work.
August of course has been filled with MJ's third birthday. 90% of the invited guests cancelled. I was pretty heart broken. Not even going to have one next year. Just tired of people saying one thing but doing another. If something better comes along, them were you really my friend? Sigh. But we still had fun with the few that showed up. I had so much food left over it was ridiculous. And of course my parents have yet to say happy birthday to her, let alone send her a gift. I mean seriously? 3 years go by and you can't even buy her a birthday card?
Oh! But she finally used the potty! Just before her birthday. I finally got her to sit on it long enough to actually go in it, and it just clicked for her. Didn't need treats or toys or anything. No fuss with poop either. She has had a couple accidents, 2 on the couch which sucks, but the rest of them have been on the tile. She's used a public toilet once, but really is scared of it. She'll do it in her own time, and for now I'm not worried.
My stupid cat has also been pissing all over in our bedroom. Just had to throw out two cloth underbed storage boxes because he peed on those. Nothing important damaged, but now I wished I had spent the extra $50 to buy the plastic ones. Stupid cat. He hasn't been doing it for a couple weeks now, but it's really annoying. Our carpet will need a good cleaning. They will be ten in December. Can't believe we've had them for so long already, just doesn't feel like it.
Otherwise, I'm hoping the rest of the year goes smoothly, and we finish organizing and unpacking.
My summer went by pretty fast. I spent most of June out of state, helping my mother in law. At least I hope I helped. If anything she had MJ's company and that can help make anyone smile. July flew by with trying to get more things unpacked and organized, and the husband having his vein surgery every Monday. It better work this time too, his veins were so big! He had it done once before but it didn't work.
August of course has been filled with MJ's third birthday. 90% of the invited guests cancelled. I was pretty heart broken. Not even going to have one next year. Just tired of people saying one thing but doing another. If something better comes along, them were you really my friend? Sigh. But we still had fun with the few that showed up. I had so much food left over it was ridiculous. And of course my parents have yet to say happy birthday to her, let alone send her a gift. I mean seriously? 3 years go by and you can't even buy her a birthday card?
Oh! But she finally used the potty! Just before her birthday. I finally got her to sit on it long enough to actually go in it, and it just clicked for her. Didn't need treats or toys or anything. No fuss with poop either. She has had a couple accidents, 2 on the couch which sucks, but the rest of them have been on the tile. She's used a public toilet once, but really is scared of it. She'll do it in her own time, and for now I'm not worried.
My stupid cat has also been pissing all over in our bedroom. Just had to throw out two cloth underbed storage boxes because he peed on those. Nothing important damaged, but now I wished I had spent the extra $50 to buy the plastic ones. Stupid cat. He hasn't been doing it for a couple weeks now, but it's really annoying. Our carpet will need a good cleaning. They will be ten in December. Can't believe we've had them for so long already, just doesn't feel like it.
Otherwise, I'm hoping the rest of the year goes smoothly, and we finish organizing and unpacking.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Here We Go Again
Well it's another sleepless night for me. Apparently asking when family has Free time for me to visit on an up coming trip between states is a reason to be yelled at. They want me to visit, but actually saying when to visit is wrong of me to ask. I'm travel with just MJ, who is almost 3, without her daddy. He has to stay and work. I thought it would be nice to have extra time to see everyone and not all crammed into one or two days. It's like traveling to Disney world without booking a hotel, then showing up and demanding a 5 day stay at a discounted price. You don't do that. You plan things out. Which is what I'm trying to do.
Plus you don't just take a toddler on a trip and expect her to keep up with adults. She has a schedule. I want to keep it as close as possible so she won't be overwhelmed or a cranky brat. Why is it so hard to respect that?
Oh, and once again I was told the pain in my hands is all in my head again. Are you for real? How about I kick you in the balls and tell you that pain doesn't exist? I wouldn't be going thru all these tests for nothing. And 5 years of it! Can you seriously make up this shit and keep lying for 5 years repeating the same stuff? I hate drugs! I don't want to be on them! My parents were assholes growing up from drug use. I worked in a pharmacy and have seen what long term drug abuse looks like. I don't want to be like that. I take only what I need to just make it thru the day. And I hate it. I'd rather be working then sitting in pain all day. But it's all in my head. Yeah.
Of course my parents took my brother's side. Oh that's just how he is, I can't say anything to him about it. You shouldn't worry about those things. Seriously? Thanks for not sticking up for me. I keep forgetting he is the only one they like. Geez, my family sure does suck.
I try to stick to this notion of family and how they should be kind and caring and looking out for each other. But that is totally not the case here. I need to give up that notion and just stop visiting them. I already regret this trip and I haven't even left yet.
Plus you don't just take a toddler on a trip and expect her to keep up with adults. She has a schedule. I want to keep it as close as possible so she won't be overwhelmed or a cranky brat. Why is it so hard to respect that?
Oh, and once again I was told the pain in my hands is all in my head again. Are you for real? How about I kick you in the balls and tell you that pain doesn't exist? I wouldn't be going thru all these tests for nothing. And 5 years of it! Can you seriously make up this shit and keep lying for 5 years repeating the same stuff? I hate drugs! I don't want to be on them! My parents were assholes growing up from drug use. I worked in a pharmacy and have seen what long term drug abuse looks like. I don't want to be like that. I take only what I need to just make it thru the day. And I hate it. I'd rather be working then sitting in pain all day. But it's all in my head. Yeah.
Of course my parents took my brother's side. Oh that's just how he is, I can't say anything to him about it. You shouldn't worry about those things. Seriously? Thanks for not sticking up for me. I keep forgetting he is the only one they like. Geez, my family sure does suck.
I try to stick to this notion of family and how they should be kind and caring and looking out for each other. But that is totally not the case here. I need to give up that notion and just stop visiting them. I already regret this trip and I haven't even left yet.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Hoping For A Cure That Never Comes
As I crawled into bed at 10pm tonight, exhausted, I pushed play on my random movie thinking I was minutes away from sleep and tomorrow. 4 hours later and yours truly is still awake, thinking of all the things I could've accomplished had I known I'd be awake this whole time. I don't even feel tired anymore. Guess it was body rest I needed instead of sleep. Because here comes the worst part.
The pain has settled in for the night.
The pain that never truly goes away.
The pain that burns, aches, and stabs like a rusty dull knife, or a super sharp one that hits the right nerves and travels into your fingers or back up into your arms.
The pain I would never wish on anyone.
The pain that keeps me home when I want to go out and play.
The pain that feels like a punishment.
This shit is getting old. I'm tired of doctor hopping. I want a fucking answer and a cure. I want to stop putting on a fake smile and actually not lie when I say I'm doing fine. I want to go to work and provide for my family. I don't want to struggle in the summer when the electric gets high. I want to go out and visit friends. I want to take MJ to the park, the zoo, all sorts of places by myself instead of scheduling help for those things. I want to drive further than 15 minutes. I want to lift a gallon of milk without wincing in pain.
But I can't. And the worst part is, people just don't understand. I need so much help that I can't afford. There are things I should be able to do like any normal person but I can't. It sucks. I cry a lot. I want to do these things. People look at me like I'm a lazy person. Tell me to go get a job. That I just look after a kid, I know nothing about what a hard day of work is. Or go to your doctor and get it fixed and get back to work. I wish you could be me for a week.
And it's been bad. Real bad this pass couple weeks. I don't know if it's stress, hormones, or just me trying to do some work. I try to push thru and get some things done. I've gotten so good at lying that I even lie to myself. I don't want to deal. People don't want to hear about your problems over and over and over. So you just say you're OK or fine. You smile and laugh where appropriate even thou inside you're dying. I clentch my teeth a lot when the pain increases. You won't see it on my face though unless a real zinger cuts thru. Or you touch my hands on a sensitive day.
I hope you never have to find what it feels like to be in this much pain. To have to air dry your hands because the touch of a towel hurts. To never know what not being able to grip your eating utensils feels like. To not being able to curl your hands to grip anything. The pain of having to leave your job that you worked hard to get because you couldn't do it anymore. To wake up each morning wondering what your pain level is and what you can tolerate.
If only you could understand, then maybe you would stop judging me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
The Family Problem
I tried to make time for my family whenever I travel back home. But some times the drama is just too much. I just want to sit and cry right now, but what does that solve? This time it won't make me feel any better. I guess you should know some stuff about my family.
See, I grew up in a very abusive family. And the courts didn't care. My half sister tried to get us out, but the law didn't care. My sister tried the same, but again the law failed us. My dad is a real nice guy out in public. But behind closed doors, he will beat the shit out of us. Every little thing that he felt we did wrong we got smacked, whipped, beat, and grounded. I was pulled by my hair down the stairs one evening because the dog peed in the kitchen. Because I didn't let him out in time. Or put paper down for them to use. It was one week before my 18th birthday. I use to get beat and yelled at for things my brother forgot to do. He was their golden boy. They didn't care if it was his chore or not, I was the one who got blamed. Even though he's the older sibling. I'm the youngest.
When my sister left, I got blamed for the laundry not being done. I had no clue how to work a washer or dryer at the time. But my brother new. I had to learn fast with no help. Then I kept getting told I was a mistake, not meant to be here. And my brother beat on me. My sister did too, before she left. My parents would beat on them, they beat on each other, they beat on me. I had no defense. I thought I was going to die. I didn't think I was going to ever make it out of that house. Some days I wish I had died back then. Especially dealing with this health shit now. I always wonder if it's because of something mom did while she was pregnant. I know they partied heavily. I know she drank while pregnant; she told me her doctor said she could have a glass of Brandy every night cause it was good for her. I don't know.
But back to today. I'm going back home for a couple days. Help out my husband's mom with some stuff. Look thru his dad's old things, see what I want to bring home. And of course I send out the call to everyone when I'll be home to make plans to see everyone. My siblings text of course, so I just sent out of group message to a bunch of people. And of course those two don't talk to each other. Ever. Don't know why. I don't care either. But I forgot that there is a certain setting on your phone you have to turn off so your texts back don't go to the whole group. And my brother didn't do that. So my sister got his text back to me. And asked who it was. And like a dumbass twat waffle, he said some dumbass reply instead of just saying wrong number and leaving it at that. So of course my sister knew it was him. And had to antagonize him back. And because of all that, they both yell at me, tell me it's my fault, and be jerks to me.
You know what, I'm on pain killers for my hands. It does mess with my mind some times. There are days where I use thingy to mean ten different things. I'm trying, but I still don't remember everything I'm supposed to. Thank heavens for spell check. But all they had to do was either ignore it, or say wrong number. For them to blame me because they can't think for themselves is ridiculous. Yes I sent the original message, I take responsibility for that. But the shit they do after is not my fault.
And then!!! To top that off, my brother tells me to get over it that he yelled at me. That he had a hard day at work babysitting 35 adults, and that he gets up at 4am to go to work and deal with that shit. That all I do all day is watch 1 kid. That he's allowed to be upset and yell at whoever he feels like it. Must be fucking nice. He turned out just like dad. He said he wouldn't, but he sure did. Just wait til I give him a piece of my mind when I get there. Cause I don't just watch 1 kid all day. I would love to be at work 8 hours a day, to have vacations, sick days, go home and relax after work. You don't do that being a parent. To top that off, I have the pain every day. Some days it's like being stabbed repeatedly with a dull knife. Other days it's a dull ache. It can travel up my arms. It makes my fingers curl up. I drop things all the time. I can't open jars. I can't type this without taking frequent breaks. I can't hold anything heavy. Especially nothing over a half a jug of milk. And only on my good days. I can only drive short distances on my good days. I've had to adapt. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It feels like one more punishment to complete my whole not supposed to be born existence.
So I'd like to see him try to go to work like that. I just want to smash his hands and see how he can work like that. To drive, to do chores at home, to work, to cook, to take care of someone else. To have to push thru the bad days with no help because the husband can't just take off of work for me. And we don't have the disposable income like he does to hire help. Because he doesn't pay the bills at his house. His mother-in-law does. Because it's her house.
And of course it's only me doing the visiting. He hasn't visited at all. Doesn't even want to. Doesn't care. My parents have, but then blamed me for all the money he had to spend coming out here. How is that my fault? I'm just so tired of it. I just wanted to be treated like the respectable adult I am. To have family that actually loves me instead of abuses me. I don't know why I even bother trying any more.
Oh, and can't wait for that phone call from dad yelling at me about it too. Cause my brother will tell him, and so then he'll call to yell and blame me, telling my dad some twisted story that didn't even happen right. Like last time.
See, I grew up in a very abusive family. And the courts didn't care. My half sister tried to get us out, but the law didn't care. My sister tried the same, but again the law failed us. My dad is a real nice guy out in public. But behind closed doors, he will beat the shit out of us. Every little thing that he felt we did wrong we got smacked, whipped, beat, and grounded. I was pulled by my hair down the stairs one evening because the dog peed in the kitchen. Because I didn't let him out in time. Or put paper down for them to use. It was one week before my 18th birthday. I use to get beat and yelled at for things my brother forgot to do. He was their golden boy. They didn't care if it was his chore or not, I was the one who got blamed. Even though he's the older sibling. I'm the youngest.
When my sister left, I got blamed for the laundry not being done. I had no clue how to work a washer or dryer at the time. But my brother new. I had to learn fast with no help. Then I kept getting told I was a mistake, not meant to be here. And my brother beat on me. My sister did too, before she left. My parents would beat on them, they beat on each other, they beat on me. I had no defense. I thought I was going to die. I didn't think I was going to ever make it out of that house. Some days I wish I had died back then. Especially dealing with this health shit now. I always wonder if it's because of something mom did while she was pregnant. I know they partied heavily. I know she drank while pregnant; she told me her doctor said she could have a glass of Brandy every night cause it was good for her. I don't know.
But back to today. I'm going back home for a couple days. Help out my husband's mom with some stuff. Look thru his dad's old things, see what I want to bring home. And of course I send out the call to everyone when I'll be home to make plans to see everyone. My siblings text of course, so I just sent out of group message to a bunch of people. And of course those two don't talk to each other. Ever. Don't know why. I don't care either. But I forgot that there is a certain setting on your phone you have to turn off so your texts back don't go to the whole group. And my brother didn't do that. So my sister got his text back to me. And asked who it was. And like a dumbass twat waffle, he said some dumbass reply instead of just saying wrong number and leaving it at that. So of course my sister knew it was him. And had to antagonize him back. And because of all that, they both yell at me, tell me it's my fault, and be jerks to me.
You know what, I'm on pain killers for my hands. It does mess with my mind some times. There are days where I use thingy to mean ten different things. I'm trying, but I still don't remember everything I'm supposed to. Thank heavens for spell check. But all they had to do was either ignore it, or say wrong number. For them to blame me because they can't think for themselves is ridiculous. Yes I sent the original message, I take responsibility for that. But the shit they do after is not my fault.
And then!!! To top that off, my brother tells me to get over it that he yelled at me. That he had a hard day at work babysitting 35 adults, and that he gets up at 4am to go to work and deal with that shit. That all I do all day is watch 1 kid. That he's allowed to be upset and yell at whoever he feels like it. Must be fucking nice. He turned out just like dad. He said he wouldn't, but he sure did. Just wait til I give him a piece of my mind when I get there. Cause I don't just watch 1 kid all day. I would love to be at work 8 hours a day, to have vacations, sick days, go home and relax after work. You don't do that being a parent. To top that off, I have the pain every day. Some days it's like being stabbed repeatedly with a dull knife. Other days it's a dull ache. It can travel up my arms. It makes my fingers curl up. I drop things all the time. I can't open jars. I can't type this without taking frequent breaks. I can't hold anything heavy. Especially nothing over a half a jug of milk. And only on my good days. I can only drive short distances on my good days. I've had to adapt. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It feels like one more punishment to complete my whole not supposed to be born existence.
So I'd like to see him try to go to work like that. I just want to smash his hands and see how he can work like that. To drive, to do chores at home, to work, to cook, to take care of someone else. To have to push thru the bad days with no help because the husband can't just take off of work for me. And we don't have the disposable income like he does to hire help. Because he doesn't pay the bills at his house. His mother-in-law does. Because it's her house.
And of course it's only me doing the visiting. He hasn't visited at all. Doesn't even want to. Doesn't care. My parents have, but then blamed me for all the money he had to spend coming out here. How is that my fault? I'm just so tired of it. I just wanted to be treated like the respectable adult I am. To have family that actually loves me instead of abuses me. I don't know why I even bother trying any more.
Oh, and can't wait for that phone call from dad yelling at me about it too. Cause my brother will tell him, and so then he'll call to yell and blame me, telling my dad some twisted story that didn't even happen right. Like last time.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Mrs. grumpy pants at your service
Well I certainly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I'm mad I didn't get to sleep in. The hubby is off today, he should've gotten up with MJ so I could sleep longer. But of course I'm pretty sure he staid up all night so I had to get up. Uhg!
I'm just so tired and cranky lately. I need a vacation away but can't get that. I'd settle for some quality time to myself, but that only comes late at night after MJ is in bed and I'm too tired to enjoy it. Lol. How do moms do it?
Hopefully I get to sleep in tomorrow or I'm seriously going to be mad.
I'm just so tired and cranky lately. I need a vacation away but can't get that. I'd settle for some quality time to myself, but that only comes late at night after MJ is in bed and I'm too tired to enjoy it. Lol. How do moms do it?
Hopefully I get to sleep in tomorrow or I'm seriously going to be mad.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Again with the Insurance
So I tried to get x-rays done today for my hands. Unfortunately my insurance was the only one they didn't take. The only radiology place in my small town, so of course they don't. So now I have to wait til I can get a ride into the next town, half hour away. It may not seem like much. Hell, it use to not be to me either. But now it is. Sometimes just 5 minutes down the road is too much.
You can't tell by looking at me that there is something wrong. I've had to learn quite early on to hide it. You start to learn that the majority of people don't care. You get your sorries and then it's off to the next subject quicker than a magic trick. So you continue to hide it and just say you're fine day in and day out. And you hope you condition goes away or you get the proper treatment. And you never let it show on your face. Because people don't care anyways.
But it hurts. The pain in both of my hands is constant. And going up my arms again. Now is that from trying to do more work or from picking up MJ as she is getting bigger? I've always been secretly glad she is under weight, but in the same breath wishing she would just eat more. But she is healthy and I give her vitamins. She doesn't understand why I can't always pick her up and cries til I do. I grit my teeth and bare it. I try so hard to push it away, but it's always there.
So I was hoping to do the xrays today and see if they showed anything different from last time. My blood tests came back normal so I really am expecting the same. But there is still that slim chance that they show something different. Something that can tell them what is causing this problem and actually get a solution. Cause I want to do the normal life again. I'm tired of asking for help. Help that is hard to get. I'd like to be able to clean house efficiently. To care for my kid better. To cook from scratch instead of from a box.
But I don't see that happening in my future. Especially if my insurance is going to be a constant source of problems. Why do they have to make things difficult?
You can't tell by looking at me that there is something wrong. I've had to learn quite early on to hide it. You start to learn that the majority of people don't care. You get your sorries and then it's off to the next subject quicker than a magic trick. So you continue to hide it and just say you're fine day in and day out. And you hope you condition goes away or you get the proper treatment. And you never let it show on your face. Because people don't care anyways.
But it hurts. The pain in both of my hands is constant. And going up my arms again. Now is that from trying to do more work or from picking up MJ as she is getting bigger? I've always been secretly glad she is under weight, but in the same breath wishing she would just eat more. But she is healthy and I give her vitamins. She doesn't understand why I can't always pick her up and cries til I do. I grit my teeth and bare it. I try so hard to push it away, but it's always there.
So I was hoping to do the xrays today and see if they showed anything different from last time. My blood tests came back normal so I really am expecting the same. But there is still that slim chance that they show something different. Something that can tell them what is causing this problem and actually get a solution. Cause I want to do the normal life again. I'm tired of asking for help. Help that is hard to get. I'd like to be able to clean house efficiently. To care for my kid better. To cook from scratch instead of from a box.
But I don't see that happening in my future. Especially if my insurance is going to be a constant source of problems. Why do they have to make things difficult?
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