Well, I usually try not to do this, but fuck it. I'm writing out of anger. It will feel good for me. But I'm so tired of people treating me like shit. I'm not sure what it is, but some how I always end up being treated so poorly that I cry all the time. How did I end up like this? Exactly what am I doing that makes people do this to me?
I go out of my way to help people. It is never money or drugs or clothes, etc, but I do give advice when asked, make a meal, car rides, lend books and movies, general help, things like that. I go out of my way to do some of those too! I'm always here to listen.
But yet the minute I turn around and need some of those things, there is no one available. Once in a while I'll get the help I need. So I thought I was asking for help too much. People say no. I wish people were truthful, because it seems like the answer is yes.
Chuck and I have been grieving all week. And with the travel, we have been really tired. But I was told today that I was being a bitch and that my "pity party was old." Seriously? We just said our final goodbye to Chuck's father, but I should be done grieving already and focus on you? I have no clue how I was even being a bitch!!! They asked how I was, I said I was tired and sad, but doing OK, but I'm supposed to get over it because they've had insomnia for days. And I also ruined their entire day because they came to see us. I didn't make the do that. They chose to come. The only thing I said was me asking if they were coming over to see us, because earlier in the week they said they would be here. And they didn't cancel. Or say anything until I contacted them today. But I'm the bitch. I hurt their feelings.
You know, I asked how they were doing. Asked about their work. There was a group of us all talking together and no one else thought I was being mean at all. But they did. I have no clue what I said wrong besides saying I'm tired. You know what, I have insomnia too. I don't fall asleep easy at night. Hell, I haven't fallen asleep now because we have to leave in an hour anyways. It's hard to fall asleep when your hands start to hurt more and more until I either pass out or take more meds or just get up. I get it. But you, all you do is get up early for a job you hate. That I have listened to countless hours or you complain about. For the whole month you have been there. Listened and given you advice that you asked for on many things this year alone. But I'm the bitch for not caring.
But you know what, they aren't the only people who treat me like this. Other people in my life do. So is it really all me? Am I just a bad person, do I treat people like this to be treated exactly the same? I have no clue anymore. I can't see passed the things I need to in able to figure it out. Nor do I know how to change it.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Heart breaking memories
My husband's dad passed away in the hospital this morning. We are all shocked. I know he was in the hospital for a blood clot in his leg, complications from a drug for his cancer. But they were making him better, and he was supposed to be out and on his feet again soon. They wanted to do the surgery for the small tumor that had reappeared as well while he was still at the hospital.
Now comes the wait for the autopsy. They believe a clot traveled to his heart. By the time his mother arrived at the hospital, he was gone. There was nothing else they could do.
I know he has been living with this cancer for over a year. We knew it was terminal, and that most people go fairly quick. There are plenty of people that have made it 5, 10, 15 years with it. He was strong, a fighter, he wanted to watch MJ grow. We thought we had more time.
He was a military man, hard, strange, demanding. Of course we butt heads because I can't stand people like that. He had a way of talking thay made you feel stupid. But he loved his family. He care for his wife during her hip replacement. Had no problem going to the grocery store, even if he did bring home the wrong ingredients. Took us all to dinner. Gave us money for our wedding when they knew my parents were giving nothing. And the way he shined over MJ, was just amazing. He wanted to come with us to the airport when we left a couple months ago on visit, just to say good once more, but the car was packed, it didn't seat 4 adults and one car seat. That was the last time I spoke with him. Chuck has talked with him over the phone and thru email since then. I have talked to his mother thou.
Now he is gone. I don't know how to feel. It's hard knowing that he doesn't get to watch MJ grow. Now all I have are pictures to show her, but no person there. You can hug a picture, or have conversations with them. Can't send MJ to the grandparents for summer, now it's just grandma's house. How do you explain to a toddler who doesn't even understand emotions yet? How do you explain what happened, what do you say when she asks? Am I wrong for not wanting to ever deal with it?
I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was 10. I have such wonderful memories of her. And a couple not so good. It wasn't explained much to me until I was older, just got the general grandma passed away, it was cancer, leave your mother alone. All I knew is that she was gone and we were never seeing her again. It's been 20 years now, and it doesn't hurt anymore. What hurts is all the missed holidays that she used to do, gathering the family at the dinner table. Watching this family grow together, but grew apart since then. My mom tried, grandpa tried, but the family just didn't want to after a while. I don't know my cousin very well at all. None of them were at my wedding.
I know deep down that he is no longer suffering. Back and forth trips to the hospitals and doctors, the medications, the side effects, all gone now. But we would still rather have him. That all means nothing compared to having the person alive.
I don't know what else to say right now. It just hurts.
Now comes the wait for the autopsy. They believe a clot traveled to his heart. By the time his mother arrived at the hospital, he was gone. There was nothing else they could do.
I know he has been living with this cancer for over a year. We knew it was terminal, and that most people go fairly quick. There are plenty of people that have made it 5, 10, 15 years with it. He was strong, a fighter, he wanted to watch MJ grow. We thought we had more time.
He was a military man, hard, strange, demanding. Of course we butt heads because I can't stand people like that. He had a way of talking thay made you feel stupid. But he loved his family. He care for his wife during her hip replacement. Had no problem going to the grocery store, even if he did bring home the wrong ingredients. Took us all to dinner. Gave us money for our wedding when they knew my parents were giving nothing. And the way he shined over MJ, was just amazing. He wanted to come with us to the airport when we left a couple months ago on visit, just to say good once more, but the car was packed, it didn't seat 4 adults and one car seat. That was the last time I spoke with him. Chuck has talked with him over the phone and thru email since then. I have talked to his mother thou.
Now he is gone. I don't know how to feel. It's hard knowing that he doesn't get to watch MJ grow. Now all I have are pictures to show her, but no person there. You can hug a picture, or have conversations with them. Can't send MJ to the grandparents for summer, now it's just grandma's house. How do you explain to a toddler who doesn't even understand emotions yet? How do you explain what happened, what do you say when she asks? Am I wrong for not wanting to ever deal with it?
I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was 10. I have such wonderful memories of her. And a couple not so good. It wasn't explained much to me until I was older, just got the general grandma passed away, it was cancer, leave your mother alone. All I knew is that she was gone and we were never seeing her again. It's been 20 years now, and it doesn't hurt anymore. What hurts is all the missed holidays that she used to do, gathering the family at the dinner table. Watching this family grow together, but grew apart since then. My mom tried, grandpa tried, but the family just didn't want to after a while. I don't know my cousin very well at all. None of them were at my wedding.
I know deep down that he is no longer suffering. Back and forth trips to the hospitals and doctors, the medications, the side effects, all gone now. But we would still rather have him. That all means nothing compared to having the person alive.
I don't know what else to say right now. It just hurts.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
A Little Me Time
So being the total non girl that I am, I actually did my nails tonight. It's been 3 months since I've done any type of manicure. My toes however, have been pretty easy to have done. They take no time at all. But I decided to try something different, called Jamberry. It did take 30 minutes to do all my nails, but now I don't have to wait hours for them drying. I hate when I paint my nails, go to bed 2 hours later, and wake up to them having sheet impressions on them. Bah!! Plus, you know, holding the small bottles, hurts. And surprisingly did pretty well using my right hand to apply them to my left.
But those that know me know I don't do makeup. Just isn't my thing. My mom never wore it, so I never learned about how to apply it til college. And even then I honestly didn't see the point. It all confuses me, different colors, different things for different features, choosing the right type for your skin, I have no clue where to begin!!
That being said, I don't know where to find the time for it right now. I always have to jump out of bed and be awake and going quick with MJ. Hell, I don't really get to do my hair much except the "mom" pony tail. I miss spending time doing my hair, and I can't wait for MJ's to grow long enough to do things with. And if some point down the road she wants to do makeup, well she needs to find a friend to teach her, because it won't be one I can.
But those that know me know I don't do makeup. Just isn't my thing. My mom never wore it, so I never learned about how to apply it til college. And even then I honestly didn't see the point. It all confuses me, different colors, different things for different features, choosing the right type for your skin, I have no clue where to begin!!
That being said, I don't know where to find the time for it right now. I always have to jump out of bed and be awake and going quick with MJ. Hell, I don't really get to do my hair much except the "mom" pony tail. I miss spending time doing my hair, and I can't wait for MJ's to grow long enough to do things with. And if some point down the road she wants to do makeup, well she needs to find a friend to teach her, because it won't be one I can.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Get Your Facts Straight
You know what I really hate, people who believe I like certain things because they like it. They perceive my in such a way that I just can't wrap my fingers around. Lol. Yeah, like I can wrap my fingers around anything these days.
But seriously, this guy is having a conversation with me, and thinks I should totally be watching this show because it's awesome and all about history!! Oh wow, oh boy, I certainly will get right on that!
NOT!
OK, let's get this straight. My college degree is anthropology. My focus is archaeology in Mayan civilization. Maya!!! Not just general history crap you find on television. Yes, I do like other civilizations, other history, and it's all very important. But you have to remember, I'm not gonna just automatically love something you think I should and jump on it immediately. And the fact you can't even remember what I like just really shows how much you don't give a shit about the 10+ years we have been friends.
And honestly, where am I supposed to find time to watch a history show in between Ice Age on repeat, MJ's current cartoon obsession? And another, I still get very emotional over my college degree lately. If you know anything about the subject, you know it's all about research and digging. It's all about the hand use. A lot of it. And guess what I can't do?? Pretty much anything with my hands except cradle a smart phone and type with my thumbs or talk-and-type. So yeah, thanks for now reminding me what a grand failure I am. Thank you very much. Time to go cry.
But seriously, this guy is having a conversation with me, and thinks I should totally be watching this show because it's awesome and all about history!! Oh wow, oh boy, I certainly will get right on that!
NOT!
OK, let's get this straight. My college degree is anthropology. My focus is archaeology in Mayan civilization. Maya!!! Not just general history crap you find on television. Yes, I do like other civilizations, other history, and it's all very important. But you have to remember, I'm not gonna just automatically love something you think I should and jump on it immediately. And the fact you can't even remember what I like just really shows how much you don't give a shit about the 10+ years we have been friends.
And honestly, where am I supposed to find time to watch a history show in between Ice Age on repeat, MJ's current cartoon obsession? And another, I still get very emotional over my college degree lately. If you know anything about the subject, you know it's all about research and digging. It's all about the hand use. A lot of it. And guess what I can't do?? Pretty much anything with my hands except cradle a smart phone and type with my thumbs or talk-and-type. So yeah, thanks for now reminding me what a grand failure I am. Thank you very much. Time to go cry.
My Dark World
I live in the dark place of my mind. I try not to, but most days I just can't help it. It's been 1 week since my daughter's second birthday, and still not one word from my parents. Why should I be surprised since they have yet to send anything for her? Because they said they would the last time we spoke. But who am I kidding really but myself? I should know better. I mean, look how I grew up.
It wasn't an easy life. I know I don't remember a lot of it now, and it's best if I don't. There are plenty of things that should not be remembered. My earliest memories that I can see are me reading Dr. Seuss books at age 3, and a trip to see my relatives on my dad's side that same year. I remember camping trips, and the year we lived with my dad's family when I was 5. I remember weekly board games, and video games. Getting cable for the first time, and trips to sea world and the zoo.
But all those good times are over shadowed by tons of abuse. And the fact that I was told a few times that I was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be born. I was beat a lot as a kid. Dragged down stairs, pulled around by my hair, screamed at constantly, and did all the work around the house. Hell, I was the one in trouble when my brother didn't do his chores. I learned how to do laundry by just randomly pushing buttons on the washer til it turned on because no one taught me, but I was expected to do it. And heaven forbid I ever forget to finish!
I didn't have nice things, plenty of hand me downs and broken crayons. My parents always complained about buying us things, or paying bills, but they always found plenty of money for their drug addiction. Every day. Surprisingly I was only made fun of once for my hand me down clothing. And it happened to be a Browns winter coat. But I think it was because the previous year they had just moved the team, and all the fans hated them. But I walked to school those two years, and it was warm. I didn't care. Any other time I was made fun of was because I wore hideous giant glasses and had lots of acne, which I still can't get rid of.
I really am the Cinderella of my house. Not wanted and doing all the house work. My brother got away with everything. Because my parents wanted him. I did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, cleaned up after the dogs, mowed the lawns, weeded the gardens, dusted, vacuumed. And redid everything if it wasn't perfect. I was blamed and beat and yelled at even if it wasn't my fault. And I had to keep my grades up. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends from school. But my brother was any time he wanted. I asked once in highschool to go to a friends house because we had a group project. I was home 1 hour late for a curfew no one mentioned, arriving home at 6pm, and beat black n blue. I never asked again. I never even staid after school for any activities except one day a week because it was only an hour.
My parents also didn't let me go to the college I wanted. I had no way to get there, and they wouldn't spend any money on me to go. And they told me this the day after scholarships for any school in Ohio was due. Because a month before they were "happy" I got into the college I wanted.
How did I ever make it out alive? They treated the dogs better than me. I don't know how I never killed myself back then. Just to be free. I wanted to be free of the pain and suffering so bad, but I never did. I didn't even have the strength to run away like my sister did. Because the system didn't help her. And they didn't take me away.
And now, now I live in that dark place again. This pain in my hands, I feel like I'm suffering again. I wonder what I have done in a previous life to deserve this. And all I want to do is give up. And reaching out seems to push people away. I try not to think like this, because there are still many things I want to do, to see. But the fact remains that I still want to give up and end it. I wonder how much happier people will be not to hear me constantly complaining. To not have one text asking for help. One less mouth to feed. One less to spend money on. Because I've been treated as worthless my entire life, I still feel this way when nothing good happens. I know I am broken, but who really wants to fix me? I think about these things constantly, and wonder how to get pass all this. I may never have those answers. It's just getting thru one day at a time.
It wasn't an easy life. I know I don't remember a lot of it now, and it's best if I don't. There are plenty of things that should not be remembered. My earliest memories that I can see are me reading Dr. Seuss books at age 3, and a trip to see my relatives on my dad's side that same year. I remember camping trips, and the year we lived with my dad's family when I was 5. I remember weekly board games, and video games. Getting cable for the first time, and trips to sea world and the zoo.
But all those good times are over shadowed by tons of abuse. And the fact that I was told a few times that I was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be born. I was beat a lot as a kid. Dragged down stairs, pulled around by my hair, screamed at constantly, and did all the work around the house. Hell, I was the one in trouble when my brother didn't do his chores. I learned how to do laundry by just randomly pushing buttons on the washer til it turned on because no one taught me, but I was expected to do it. And heaven forbid I ever forget to finish!
I didn't have nice things, plenty of hand me downs and broken crayons. My parents always complained about buying us things, or paying bills, but they always found plenty of money for their drug addiction. Every day. Surprisingly I was only made fun of once for my hand me down clothing. And it happened to be a Browns winter coat. But I think it was because the previous year they had just moved the team, and all the fans hated them. But I walked to school those two years, and it was warm. I didn't care. Any other time I was made fun of was because I wore hideous giant glasses and had lots of acne, which I still can't get rid of.
I really am the Cinderella of my house. Not wanted and doing all the house work. My brother got away with everything. Because my parents wanted him. I did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, cleaned up after the dogs, mowed the lawns, weeded the gardens, dusted, vacuumed. And redid everything if it wasn't perfect. I was blamed and beat and yelled at even if it wasn't my fault. And I had to keep my grades up. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends from school. But my brother was any time he wanted. I asked once in highschool to go to a friends house because we had a group project. I was home 1 hour late for a curfew no one mentioned, arriving home at 6pm, and beat black n blue. I never asked again. I never even staid after school for any activities except one day a week because it was only an hour.
My parents also didn't let me go to the college I wanted. I had no way to get there, and they wouldn't spend any money on me to go. And they told me this the day after scholarships for any school in Ohio was due. Because a month before they were "happy" I got into the college I wanted.
How did I ever make it out alive? They treated the dogs better than me. I don't know how I never killed myself back then. Just to be free. I wanted to be free of the pain and suffering so bad, but I never did. I didn't even have the strength to run away like my sister did. Because the system didn't help her. And they didn't take me away.
And now, now I live in that dark place again. This pain in my hands, I feel like I'm suffering again. I wonder what I have done in a previous life to deserve this. And all I want to do is give up. And reaching out seems to push people away. I try not to think like this, because there are still many things I want to do, to see. But the fact remains that I still want to give up and end it. I wonder how much happier people will be not to hear me constantly complaining. To not have one text asking for help. One less mouth to feed. One less to spend money on. Because I've been treated as worthless my entire life, I still feel this way when nothing good happens. I know I am broken, but who really wants to fix me? I think about these things constantly, and wonder how to get pass all this. I may never have those answers. It's just getting thru one day at a time.
Friday, August 15, 2014
don't get this feeling often
I'm doing OK today. Life is OK. The check book is gonna balance, we will have food, MJ is doing great, yeah, things feel nice today. I wish it was like this every day. I want to hope that I wake up and just know that a good day is here. Hell, hubby and I didn't even have one little spat about anything today!! He even wants to buy MJ a dress. Yep, showing his girly side there.
Well, I did wake up with my hands hurting. So annoying to me, but the pain meds took care of that. I can say we were both pretty tired, so I guess that's why we didn't fight, but since it was his day off, we had a bunch to do. So no time to argue!! Our first stop was the doctor's for MJ's 2 year check up. And just wow! 2 years already!! She finally hit double digits in percentile for weight. Ever since she was born she has always been right on the edge of failure to thrive. No matter what we did, she just didn't gain weight. And even now her weight gain is still very slow, but for her age now, it's good. Still low, but good. Her height, however, is tall!! She's my skinny tall twig!! 35 inches. As long as she doesn't get big feet like I have, I think she'll be just fine.
Next we went to lunch, where surprisingly MJ didn't eat much, even though I gave her all her favorites. She's been on a plain noodle diet, so I guess that's why. Then Joann's to get netting to fix her batman dress that got ripped. And since it was on sale I bought the blue and white for her Halloween costume this year. I can't wait!! Then target for coffee and for chuck to look at dresses. Surprisingly this target had no dresses for MJ's size. He's going to order one online. One last birthday gift since my parents once again sent nothing for her birthday. That makes me so sad. But I'll talk about it another day.
We checked out a newly opened restaurant food supply store. Oh man, the things you can buy in bulk there!! We picked up 2 10 pound bags of pasta that MJ eats for $6 each, way cheaper than Walmart or fry's sale prices. Certain things were not a better deal though, like chicken. Ground beef was hit or miss. Sausage patties seemed like a good deal. We might try getting a big cut of beef to cut down for steaks and roast later.
In the morning I have to go to Walmart to get some supplies. I may hit bashas on the way home, then fry's on Sunday for cheese because MJ only like fry's brand munster. And I admit, it's really tasty. And on sale.
So yes, today made a good day. I want more of these. But I know, I know deep down, that it won't happen. I can only hope, and just try. Try to smile, try to have patience, try to work thru the pain in my hands. And currently foot. Which MJ dropped a scrapbook on. Silly girl who tries my patience daily, whom I love with my whole heart and soul.
Well, I did wake up with my hands hurting. So annoying to me, but the pain meds took care of that. I can say we were both pretty tired, so I guess that's why we didn't fight, but since it was his day off, we had a bunch to do. So no time to argue!! Our first stop was the doctor's for MJ's 2 year check up. And just wow! 2 years already!! She finally hit double digits in percentile for weight. Ever since she was born she has always been right on the edge of failure to thrive. No matter what we did, she just didn't gain weight. And even now her weight gain is still very slow, but for her age now, it's good. Still low, but good. Her height, however, is tall!! She's my skinny tall twig!! 35 inches. As long as she doesn't get big feet like I have, I think she'll be just fine.
Next we went to lunch, where surprisingly MJ didn't eat much, even though I gave her all her favorites. She's been on a plain noodle diet, so I guess that's why. Then Joann's to get netting to fix her batman dress that got ripped. And since it was on sale I bought the blue and white for her Halloween costume this year. I can't wait!! Then target for coffee and for chuck to look at dresses. Surprisingly this target had no dresses for MJ's size. He's going to order one online. One last birthday gift since my parents once again sent nothing for her birthday. That makes me so sad. But I'll talk about it another day.
We checked out a newly opened restaurant food supply store. Oh man, the things you can buy in bulk there!! We picked up 2 10 pound bags of pasta that MJ eats for $6 each, way cheaper than Walmart or fry's sale prices. Certain things were not a better deal though, like chicken. Ground beef was hit or miss. Sausage patties seemed like a good deal. We might try getting a big cut of beef to cut down for steaks and roast later.
In the morning I have to go to Walmart to get some supplies. I may hit bashas on the way home, then fry's on Sunday for cheese because MJ only like fry's brand munster. And I admit, it's really tasty. And on sale.
So yes, today made a good day. I want more of these. But I know, I know deep down, that it won't happen. I can only hope, and just try. Try to smile, try to have patience, try to work thru the pain in my hands. And currently foot. Which MJ dropped a scrapbook on. Silly girl who tries my patience daily, whom I love with my whole heart and soul.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Normal
Once again I'm up all night. I was so tired all day too. I don't know what it is. My husband can just totally pass out within 5 minutes. But not me. It takes forever. I watch movies yo help me fall asleep. I used to listen to the radio, but since we don't have xm anymore, it's been hard falling asleep to commercials and trashy shows on regular radio.
I suppose it doesn't help that life sucks. Once again I'm on the bottom of everyones list. No time for me, the ugly fat person who has medical problems and can't do anything. Yeah, who really wants to hang out with me? So this is the shit I think about at 1am, because that's when I hits the most. And it sucks. You don't know how many times I wish I'd just fall asleep and never wake up. Because I do feel like I'm a burden. I do feel like I'm only here as a convenience. And I don't like feeling that way. But no matter what I do, I can't change how people feel about me. I've barely made friends since I've moved here, and honestly, how will I be able to if I can't even feel good about myself?
I suppose it doesn't help that life sucks. Once again I'm on the bottom of everyones list. No time for me, the ugly fat person who has medical problems and can't do anything. Yeah, who really wants to hang out with me? So this is the shit I think about at 1am, because that's when I hits the most. And it sucks. You don't know how many times I wish I'd just fall asleep and never wake up. Because I do feel like I'm a burden. I do feel like I'm only here as a convenience. And I don't like feeling that way. But no matter what I do, I can't change how people feel about me. I've barely made friends since I've moved here, and honestly, how will I be able to if I can't even feel good about myself?
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