wasting my time

I feel like a failure today. I really do try so hard to make everything work together, have the bills paid and food on our table, but it's not working. And it is all my fault.
My husband is good. He tries really hard to bring home the bacon, but it isn't enough. I used to work. Until I started going down hill with this pain. And then I got pregnant and couldn't take the medicine that helps my pain. And there went my job, my career. And the money that would've kept us afloat with very little to worry about.
So yes, I blame myself. On a weekly basis. I can't help it. My husband doesn't, but I have no clue how he really feels about any of this because he never talks about it. Just says OK and changes the subject. He never worries. It makes me think that he thinks money just appears out of no where sometimes.
But then now that I can take the medicine again, I don't get to take it like I should because I can't afford to. Medicine is expensive. Especially when you don't have insurance. Obama care is affordable my ass!!! Only if the 3 of us lived in a one bedroom apartment in a bad neighborhood. So yeah, I am paying a lot in rent to not live in a bad area, but that means I can't afford some of the other stuff that we should have. But I should be able to if I were working. But I can't work, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be able to work again. And that scares me.

Another Month of Unhappy

I'm going under again. I know we need help, but how do you get help when you keep getting rejected? My husband keeps applying to places, but he either doesn't get an interview or someone is better than he is. And he can't get overtime at his current work. It's so unfair!! He should've been promoted this year, but was looked over.
So right now we can't afford our bills. No overtime means not enough for bills. All I do now is worry. And cry. I can't stop. And the stress makes my hands hurt more. But I can't seem to do anything about it. I just don't know what to do aside from begging. No, I don't have friends to help. And my family, yeah, forget it. This year was supposed to be better than last year. Each year is supposed to get better and better, but it never happens. It's just going down hill and I don't know how to stop it.

who Needs Tape?

Sometimes I wonder why I do certain things. Like I know they will take a long time, but I do it anyways for the right look or feel. Currently I am working on taping stickers on megablox. I shouldn't have to do this, yet I am. Why? Cause MJ just loves stickers, and has to pull them off of everything!!! And I think that's more annoying than just putting tape over the stickers.
I don't think I would really mind so much about her taking off stickers, but this set is a bit education. It's the numbers train, and I will like it better if the numbers staid on for a long time. But there are other things that she has taken stickers off of. Such a silly girl. And so tape it is.
Otherwise, her birthday is coming up and I have lots to do. I have a bunch of little dollar things to wrap. It's gonna take forever!! I just hope she doesn't take hours opening her gifts like she did at Christmas. That was quite hilarious and tedious. We shall see.

Just a Little Left of Normal

For some reason today, MJ doesn't want to sleep by herself. She's been doing really well lately. I can even put her in her crib only half asleep and leave the room, and she falls completely asleep! She hasn't done that since she was 4 months old! But not tonight. Her daddy came home and up she went to be with him only. 
So now I'm in bed alone. Which makes it hard for me to fall asleep. As if I didn't have that problem already. Lol. I know both of us can't wait until MJ will sleep thru the night completely by herself consistently. But it may be awhile. Especially when we take away her binkies for good. Right now she has them for naps and bedtime only. 
Otherwise just feeling like a used napkin. I was a means to an end for someone. And I rather didn't enjoy it. Felt like an after thought, as all these conditions had to be met. At that point why bother? It was actually an invasion on my time. Already had my day put together, then oh you show up at my doorstep cause you're bored and don't want to do work and you have cabin fever? What are you, 12?? 

Just Another Sunday

I spent an hour cleaning up the living room that MJ destroys on a daily basis. She isn't very good at putting her own toys away, so it goes to me to do it. And I don't do it every day. Mostly I'm just so worn out by the time I put her to bed that I don't want to clean. But when I try to clean while she is still up, half of what I clean is back out on the floor because she thinks I've cleared a space for more play. It hasn't clicked in her head yet the need to put things away. It will soon though. 
I also put her laundry away and made Popsicles and replanted my new aloe. Someone accidentally killed it while I was out of town for a week. Oops. And earlier today I cooked lunched and watched a movie. So yeah, it has been just a regular day. But in another month, football season starts!! I'll have something else to watch besides ice age on repeat. And we cycle thru all 4 of them weekly. Sometimes watching two of them in one day. Oh how I wish I could cut down on how much tv MJ watches, but the biggest problem is her daddy. The minute she gets him up in the morning that tv is turned on. Because he claims he too tired to do anything but sit there. I have caught him sleeping on the couch while she is up too, even thou he denies it.
So by the time I get up, she has already watched 2-3 hours of tv. Where does that leave me when my hands hurt so much I can't do nothing but sit on the couch? So it ends up being more tv time. I can't stand it, but I don't know how to end it. I do try to have the radio on instead after the husband leaves for work. I try to get MJ to color or play with Lego's, but some days I just turn that tv on and we watch it all day. 
I need to try harder. 

A Little More About Me

So as it says, I am left-handed. It's great! I like being different. But there are things that are a little difficult to use. Like a can opener. I've never been able to use one correctly since it's made for right handed people. Just today I had a hard time trying to get it started on my can of green beans. I just couldn't break the seal!! And it's actually pretty hard to find a left handed one, and those electric ones never seem to hold the can. 
I do prefer right handed scissors thou! I actually haven't found much of a difference between the two except for the top blade being on the opposite side. They still cut the same to me!!
But I am sad that MJ isn't left handed. I was really hoping she would be since I am and her daddy may have been, but he was forced to be right handed when he was always switching hands in school. She is a daddy's girl, so I guess taking after her. Maybe if we have another, they will be a lefty. 
Otherwise I'm just your average female. Just started my 30's, but have more grey hair than my mother! It comes from my dad, he was fully grey by 30 actually, and he now has white hair. I try to dye it, but I have to do it every 4 weeks cause it really shows fast. I do need to lose some weight though. Since I haven't been working, I'm not on my feet like I use to be. I'm trying to find some exercises that don't put strain on my hands; they can't hold me and I can't hold weights. And once summer is over, I'll go back to walking with MJ. 
I like to read and do crafts, and I do lots of scrapbooking because that's the easiest on my hands. I used to make jewelry, but it's getting to hard. I like to cook, but don't do it as much. I watch a lot of movies too. That's really about it.

sleepless nights.

Hello again. Again with the sleepless night, because MJ decided she was going to wake up and party like a rock star. Took me 4 hours to get her back to sleep, all while sacrificing the beautiful sleep I could be having. And the worse part, my hands have been in so much pain all day!!!! So all I have wanted to do was try to relax and stay calm. It's not easy, and just as easy for anyone around to make me go off on them and lose my temper. I try really hard not to do that on MJ, but days like today make it difficult to not want to run away screaming into a pillow. 
I know part of her being awake is because she didn't want to nap during the day. I was surprisingly OK with it, and she ended up falling asleep about 6:15pm. It was quits nice having the evening to myself, but not nice when I couldn't go to bed myself. I just hope when she finally gives up naps altogether that she doesn't party in the middle of the night like tonight. 

starting new

I've thought about starting a blog for a few weeks now. I think it's a good time tonight, not being able to sleep. I'm in pain again. The constant hurt is a reminder of all the things I really wanted to accomplish won't ever be completed. It feels like a punishment, a dream I may never wake from. 
I use to keep a journal. It's getting harder to hold a pen for that long. Part of it is my daughter, MJ, she's almost 2, she loves to scribble. So I can't write when she is awake cause she will take my pen and paper and play. But when she is asleep, I either want to rest or my hands hurt too much. 
I wonder why I'm not skinnier, but somehow I still manage to hold my fork or spoon to eat. Mostly cause I still have to do the cooking in this house. And because I'm still a good cook, I want to eat it. It just takes me longer than it should. One Christmas it took me almost 2 1/2 hours to prep a lasagna. It was the longest I've ever done. From scratch, even if I grated my own cheese which I haven't done since I was a kid, it should take me no more than an hour. I shouldn't be that slow. I don't want to be that slow. But this thing, it hurts. I suffer. 
I've been to many doctors, specialists, and plenty of tests. But now I have no insurance. Even with Obama Care, it is too expensive on our budget. After the bills are paid, we have 100-200 for food and gas per month depending on my husband's overtime, if he gets any, which lately he isn't. They wanted $200 for insurance just for me a month. Yeah, that would mean no food in this house, and MJ and the hubby are picky eaters. Anyways, please don't offer any suggestions about my health on what it could be or what I should try, cause either it's too expensive or I've done it already. 
And of course I was denied disability. They said I can use my arms and my legs just fine, so I'm not disabled enough to not be working. I'd really like to see them be able to do most things while in excruciating pain for 8 hours, or out of it from the drugs to help the pain. And it's pain in both my hands, not just one. Some days the pain varies, it can be just a dull deep ache, or be just one hand for a few hours then switch, or it can be totally blinding in both hands, the skin so sensitive that just the slightest touch will send me to tears. It can feel like a burning, or stabbing pain, like a dull knife being jabbed in over and over again. Even now it hurts, but only in the back of my hands so that I can lock my fingers together and hold my phone and type with my thumbs. I don't know of any company that operates solely on smart phones, but if they did, I'm getting good with my thumb typing. Otherwise grape stomping and voice acting are my only other options for jobs that don't involve the use of my hands. 
Alrighty, enough on that. Next time, I'll tell you more about me all around, not just one aspect.