starting new

I've thought about starting a blog for a few weeks now. I think it's a good time tonight, not being able to sleep. I'm in pain again. The constant hurt is a reminder of all the things I really wanted to accomplish won't ever be completed. It feels like a punishment, a dream I may never wake from. 
I use to keep a journal. It's getting harder to hold a pen for that long. Part of it is my daughter, MJ, she's almost 2, she loves to scribble. So I can't write when she is awake cause she will take my pen and paper and play. But when she is asleep, I either want to rest or my hands hurt too much. 
I wonder why I'm not skinnier, but somehow I still manage to hold my fork or spoon to eat. Mostly cause I still have to do the cooking in this house. And because I'm still a good cook, I want to eat it. It just takes me longer than it should. One Christmas it took me almost 2 1/2 hours to prep a lasagna. It was the longest I've ever done. From scratch, even if I grated my own cheese which I haven't done since I was a kid, it should take me no more than an hour. I shouldn't be that slow. I don't want to be that slow. But this thing, it hurts. I suffer. 
I've been to many doctors, specialists, and plenty of tests. But now I have no insurance. Even with Obama Care, it is too expensive on our budget. After the bills are paid, we have 100-200 for food and gas per month depending on my husband's overtime, if he gets any, which lately he isn't. They wanted $200 for insurance just for me a month. Yeah, that would mean no food in this house, and MJ and the hubby are picky eaters. Anyways, please don't offer any suggestions about my health on what it could be or what I should try, cause either it's too expensive or I've done it already. 
And of course I was denied disability. They said I can use my arms and my legs just fine, so I'm not disabled enough to not be working. I'd really like to see them be able to do most things while in excruciating pain for 8 hours, or out of it from the drugs to help the pain. And it's pain in both my hands, not just one. Some days the pain varies, it can be just a dull deep ache, or be just one hand for a few hours then switch, or it can be totally blinding in both hands, the skin so sensitive that just the slightest touch will send me to tears. It can feel like a burning, or stabbing pain, like a dull knife being jabbed in over and over again. Even now it hurts, but only in the back of my hands so that I can lock my fingers together and hold my phone and type with my thumbs. I don't know of any company that operates solely on smart phones, but if they did, I'm getting good with my thumb typing. Otherwise grape stomping and voice acting are my only other options for jobs that don't involve the use of my hands. 
Alrighty, enough on that. Next time, I'll tell you more about me all around, not just one aspect.