musing when I should be sleeping

Lots and lots of worries have washed off of me today as we finally heard from the loan people that we are approved for the house loan. I had been slowly dragging my ass around the house about packing things because I had no motivation. I was so sure it wasnt going to happen that I really didn't want the extra emotions with unpacking everything. But now with less than 2 weeks til we start moving, I have to get things done!! MJ doesn't make it easy though. I have to watch her all day and she just loves getting into everything or taking you away from what you need to do. She was such a good sport with looking at houses that I hope she's even better during the move. We plan on taking her to the new places as soon as possible and keeping her occupied there while the other packs up and brings a load over and take turns. I am not holding out hope for help on moving. It's still the holiday season and people are really busy. One reason why I was so pissed off our closing date got moved but I'm dealing.
I'm up tonight since MJ has been kicking me in her sleep. She came screaming into our room earlier, and unfortunately it took me a bit to get her back down. Just taking longer to get myself back down. So tomorrow morning I will be dragging ass and still not get anything done. Lol. Nothing new there. I'm so not a morning person and Chuck's new work schedule makes me get up early with MJ. But I do like having him home for dinner.
In any case, just gonna watch TV til I pass out and hope for the best. Just excited now for our last move, and hopefully get all the packing done and everything goes smoothly.

potential afflictions need not apply

I am going to the eye doctor to find out what is wrong with my eyes. Two trips to my regular doctor didn't fix them. I'm desperate for an answer. I want them better and I want back in my contacts. I hate glasses. Just the pressure of them on my face gives me headaches. Plus the blurred outline in my peripheral vision and the sides wrapped behind my ears lends toward the headaches too. And I have so much shit to do. But no motivation to get it done with this current problem. Coupled with my hand pain, I feel even more punished.
The worst case scenario is I have a horrible disease or infection and need hospitalization or lose my eyes. Best case is I have something treatable but expensive medicine. Even better will be something that just needs a little more time to heal without medicine, but I don't see that one. Nothing with me health wise is easy.

The Lonely Road Ahead

It's been a trying month. I've been to the doctor 3 times already. Some kind of eye problem. Just hoping this new eye drop I paid way too much for fixes the problem. The other thing I went in for thou was my check up on my hands. Not like anything really happens, but this time they asked for new blood tests.
Ah blood tests, the bane of my existence. I have given countless vials of blood in an effort to find out why my hands keep hurting. That little poke of the needle into your vein that makes you cringe and turn away. Even when it hardly hurts. Or worse when they completely miss the vein and have to poke you again. Double ouch!!
And then seeing that thick red liquid filling those vials, your life just draining away for a short amount of time. Our blood is actually green until it hits oxygen in the air. Ever wonder why it doesn't go into those vials green? Because the needles still have a small amount of air in it turning your blood before it hits the vial. Oh how I love science.
But I don't mind seeing the blood. That part I am OK with. It's just seeing body parts or organs or people split open. That repulses me. And usually why I stay away from gory movies. Bleck!!
But I gave 4 vials that day. They were running 6 tests, a couple were panels of tests so not really sure how much was actually done. And you know what? Everything came back normal.
Normal. All my systems are functioning properly. Thyroid, kidneys, liver, autoimmune. They didn't find anything out of the ordinary. I have yet to go take the xrays I also need to do, but I'm sure that will also come back normal.
Part of me was hoping that this time they would find something. That a little blip would show up on some test that was missed last time. Anything that would lead to a better action plan to helping my hands function properly. But 99% of me just knew that they wouldn't find anything because they didn't find anything before. And it didn't even phase me. I didn't cry, didn't cheer, just OK thanks for letting me know. Just a little sigh and about my day as usual.
Because I've cried enough. When my hands get so bad I let it out. There is no one around. Well, MJ is always here, but I just go to a different room. She doesn't understand and doesn't need to see. I do cry a lot, because it's too much for one person to endure for so long. It's been 4 years now since I first walked into my doctor's office and asked her to get some tests done. Logical me assumed it was carpal tunnel from too much computer work. Her first thought was arthritis. Little did we know of the struggle ahead.
She has since moved on to a different office, but I chose to stay and get a second opinion from the other doctor and also nurse practitioner. And even they are struggling to find new answers. There have been a couple guesses thrown out that I have looked in to. But the hard part of that is trying to fit in to the defined mold they have for these conditions. When you have only a couple symptoms, unfortunately you don't get classified.
And so the struggle continues. I wish I had help. I wish I could do more for myself and my family. I wish I could win the lottery so I can hire a full time helper. I wish for many things that I know are impossible. But the thing I wish for right now is someone to hug me and tell me everything I am able to do is enough. Tell me everything is OK. Tell me it will get better.

Eye Exam? why I should get my head examined instead!

So for those who don't know, I do wear contacts. And no, not colored contacts, these eyes are totally mine. I've been asked many times in my youth where to buy this color contact. Lol. Weirdos.
I've take off my contacts tonight cause I haven't let them breath in a while. Months really. Simply because I'm really almost blind as a bat. And I don't like that feeling of not being able to see. It comes from my mother's side. They all have really bad eyes. But my dad, why couldn't I get his side? He just started wearing glasses, and he's 57ish. No fair at all. But I can only see things clearly 5in in front of my face. That's it. and it sucks.
You would think I would have a pair of glasses too, right? Well I never got a pair this last time. Mostly because I hate glasses. They use to give me headaches a lot when I was younger. Plus my mom always bought these ugly ass giant insect glasses until one day a tech finally told her that I needed a smaller frame so that the lenses didn't look like coke bottles. I could've hugged that woman forever. I can't ever remember being teased a lot for having glasses, but people general ignored me anyways since I wasn't popular.
But now I need to get another eye exam. And of course our insurance really sucks. It's just a discount insurance that came free with our dental insurance. And I've only been asking for a couple months to find out about it, but you know, hubby takes forever. So I have to wait til after taxes to get all that done. Cause eye exams aren't cheap. And neither are contacts. And maybe next year the insurance will be better.
I would totally like to get laser surgery, but looking at the general info, I'm not a good candidate since I have the hand pain and take meds daily. Plus it's just too expensive. Maybe one day, but who knows what the future of medical science holds.

what shall October bring?

It's been a hard month for us. Things just keep going wrong. Things keep changing. We are still in the grieving process too. It will never go away. Chuck's job keeps screwing him over. The electric bill is still high. I need to get to the doctor for my 6 month check up but can't afford it. It's tough.
Even MJ is changing. She is starting to play be herself a little more in the afternoon. The good thing is she is starting to use real words more. But I still have to be in the same room. Or she'll come looking for me and pull me back. Plus she gives up her nap twice weekly. And we've been binkie free for almost 3 weeks now. It's amazing and freeing, but finding new ways to calm her down when she is having a tantrum is a little trying. We get thru.
And now it's almost October. There are already a million things on my schedule. 3 birthdays. Our Anniversary. Halloween. A couple get togethers. And trying again to teach MJ potty training. She didn't get it this month. It's still confusing, you can see it in her eyes. She's only 2. But I don't want her to feel pressured either. Because she baulks. And then there is no way it's happening again for a few weeks.
I'm just hoping that October goes better. I can only hope. I want one year that goes right. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of struggling. I just want us all to be happy and healthy.

one day at a time

So recently my husband has been in this *need to buy our house, need house now* kick. I get it. Owning a home is amazing. But it's just so darn confusing. So many different aspects go into buying a house that makes it a scary process. I've read so much, but some of these things I just don't understand. But I do want a home that is mine. To do with as I please. Without someone telling me no. Without having to ask someone else to get something fixed. Without feeling like they blame you for something breaking when you have nothing to do with it.
But we just have to take it slow, work with what we got. Plus we have the holidays all lined up. How much stress is added? Can I put up decorations without worrying that I'm going to take them down any day. Or what's the point of packing before we know if anything really is going to happen? Or are we going to get suckered into staying somewhere we don't want to for another year?
I try not to think about all these crazy things and just keep going. Just day in and day out. What else can I do? If I worry and stress, it won't do anything. I know I will do it anyways regardless. Because that is how I am. And because he doesn't. He always acts like nothing bothers him. Which can be nice, but also not nice because he has this *I don't care, not my problem* kind of attitude as well, which drives me crazy. Cause then I have to *nag* him, remind him daily to do certain things that he needs to do on his own. Should do without a damn reminder. Irresponsible and irritating. Men.

And one more thing....

Well, I usually try not to do this, but fuck it. I'm writing out of anger. It will feel good for me. But I'm so tired of people treating me like shit. I'm not sure what it is, but some how I always end up being treated so poorly that I cry all the time. How did I end up like this? Exactly what am I doing that makes people do this to me?
I go out of my way to help people. It is never money or drugs or clothes, etc, but I do give advice when asked, make a meal, car rides, lend books and movies, general help, things like that. I go out of my way to do some of those too! I'm always here to listen.
But yet the minute I turn around and need some of those things, there is no one available. Once in a while I'll get the help I need. So I thought I was asking for help too much. People say no. I wish people were truthful, because it seems like the answer is yes.
Chuck and I have been grieving all week. And with the travel, we have been really tired. But I was told today that I was being a bitch and that my "pity party was old." Seriously? We just said our final goodbye to Chuck's father, but I should be done grieving already and focus on you? I have no clue how I was even being a bitch!!! They asked how I was, I said I was tired and sad, but doing OK, but I'm supposed to get over it because they've had insomnia for days. And I also ruined their entire day because they came to see us. I didn't make the do that. They chose to come. The only thing I said was me asking if they were coming over to see us, because earlier in the week they said they would be here. And they didn't cancel. Or say anything until I contacted them today. But I'm the bitch. I hurt their feelings.
You know, I asked how they were doing. Asked about their work. There was a group of us all talking together and no one else thought I was being mean at all. But they did. I have no clue what I said wrong besides saying I'm tired. You know what, I have insomnia too. I don't fall asleep easy at night. Hell, I haven't fallen asleep now because we have to leave in an hour anyways. It's hard to fall asleep when your hands start to hurt more and more until I either pass out or take more meds or just get up. I get it. But you, all you do is get up early for a job you hate. That I have listened to countless hours or you complain about. For the whole month you have been there. Listened and given you advice that you asked for on many things this year alone. But I'm the bitch for not caring.
But you know what, they aren't the only people who treat me like this. Other people in my life do. So is it really all me? Am I just a bad person, do I treat people like this to be treated exactly the same? I have no clue anymore. I can't see passed the things I need to in able to figure it out. Nor do I know how to change it.

Heart breaking memories

My husband's dad passed away in the hospital this morning. We are all shocked. I know he was in the hospital for a blood clot in his leg, complications from a drug for his cancer. But they were making him better, and he was supposed to be out and on his feet again soon. They wanted to do the surgery for the small tumor that had reappeared as well while he was still at the hospital. 
Now comes the wait for the autopsy. They believe a clot traveled to his heart. By the time his mother arrived at the hospital, he was gone. There was nothing else they could do. 
I know he has been living with this cancer for over a year. We knew it was terminal, and that most people go fairly quick. There are plenty of people that have made it 5, 10, 15 years with it. He was strong, a fighter, he wanted to watch MJ grow. We thought we had more time. 
He was a military man, hard, strange, demanding. Of course we butt heads because I can't stand people like that. He had a way of talking thay made you feel stupid. But he loved his family. He care for his wife during her hip replacement. Had no problem going to the grocery store, even if he did bring home the wrong ingredients. Took us all to dinner. Gave us money for our wedding when they knew my parents were giving nothing. And the way he shined over MJ, was just amazing. He wanted to come with us to the airport when we left a couple months ago on visit, just to say good once more, but the car was packed, it didn't seat 4 adults and one car seat. That was the last time I spoke with him. Chuck has talked with him over the phone and thru email since then. I have talked to his mother thou. 
Now he is gone. I don't know how to feel. It's hard knowing that he doesn't get to watch MJ grow. Now all I have are pictures to show her, but no person there. You can hug a picture, or have conversations with them. Can't send MJ to the grandparents for summer, now it's just grandma's house. How do you explain to a toddler who doesn't even understand emotions yet? How do you explain what happened, what do you say when she asks? Am I wrong for not wanting to ever deal with it? 
I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was 10. I have such wonderful memories of her. And a couple not so good. It wasn't explained much to me until I was older, just got the general grandma passed away, it was cancer, leave your mother alone. All I knew is that she was gone and we were never seeing her again. It's been 20 years now, and it doesn't hurt anymore. What hurts is all the missed holidays that she used to do, gathering the family at the dinner table. Watching this family grow together, but grew apart since then. My mom tried, grandpa tried, but the family just didn't want to after a while. I don't know my cousin very well at all. None of them were at my wedding. 
I know deep down that he is no longer suffering. Back and forth trips to the hospitals and doctors, the medications, the side effects, all gone now. But we would still rather have him. That all means nothing compared to having the person alive. 
I don't know what else to say right now. It just hurts. 

A Little Me Time

So being the total non girl that I am, I actually did my nails tonight. It's been 3 months since I've done any type of manicure. My toes however, have been pretty easy to have done. They take no time at all. But I decided to try something different, called Jamberry. It did take 30 minutes to do all my nails, but now I don't have to wait hours for them drying. I hate when I paint my nails, go to bed 2 hours later, and wake up to them having sheet impressions on them. Bah!! Plus, you know, holding the small bottles, hurts. And surprisingly did pretty well using my right hand to apply them to my left.
But those that know me know I don't do makeup. Just isn't my thing. My mom never wore it, so I never learned about how to apply it til college. And even then I honestly didn't see the point. It all confuses me, different colors, different things for different features, choosing the right type for your skin, I have no clue where to begin!!
That being said, I don't know where to find the time for it right now. I always have to jump out of bed and be awake and going quick with MJ. Hell, I don't really get to do my hair much except the "mom" pony tail. I miss spending time doing my hair, and I can't wait for MJ's to grow long enough to do things with. And if some point down the road she wants to do makeup, well she needs to find a friend to teach her, because it won't be one I can.

Get Your Facts Straight

You know what I really hate, people who believe I like certain things because they like it. They perceive my in such a way that I just can't wrap my fingers around. Lol. Yeah, like I can wrap my fingers around anything these days. 
But seriously, this guy is having a conversation with me, and thinks I should totally be watching this show because it's awesome and all about history!! Oh wow, oh boy, I certainly will get right on that!
NOT!
OK, let's get this straight. My college degree is anthropology. My focus is archaeology in Mayan civilization. Maya!!! Not just general history crap you find on television. Yes, I do like other civilizations, other history, and it's all very important. But you have to remember, I'm not gonna just automatically love something you think I should and jump on it immediately. And the fact you can't even remember what I like just really shows how much you don't give a shit about the 10+ years we have been friends. 
And honestly, where am I supposed to find time to watch a history show in between Ice Age on repeat, MJ's current cartoon obsession? And another, I still get very emotional over my college degree lately. If you know anything about the subject, you know it's all about research and digging. It's all about the hand use. A lot of it. And guess what I can't do?? Pretty much anything with my hands except cradle a smart phone and type with my thumbs or talk-and-type. So yeah, thanks for now reminding me what a grand failure I am. Thank you very much. Time to go cry.

My Dark World

I live in the dark place of my mind. I try not to, but most days I just can't help it. It's been 1 week since my daughter's second birthday, and still not one word from my parents. Why should I be surprised since they have yet to send anything for her? Because they said they would the last time we spoke. But who am I kidding really but myself? I should know better. I mean, look how I grew up.
It wasn't an easy life. I know I don't remember a lot of it now, and it's best if I don't. There are plenty of things that should not be remembered. My earliest memories that I can see are me reading Dr. Seuss books at age 3, and a trip to see my relatives on my dad's side that same year. I remember camping trips, and the year we lived with my dad's family when I was 5.  I remember weekly board games, and video games. Getting cable for the first time, and trips to sea world and the zoo.
But all those good times are over shadowed by tons of abuse. And the fact that I was told a few times that I was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be born. I was beat a lot as a kid. Dragged down stairs, pulled around by my hair, screamed at constantly, and did all the work around the house. Hell, I was the one in trouble when my brother didn't do his chores. I learned how to do laundry by just randomly pushing buttons on the washer til it turned on because no one taught me, but I was expected to do it. And heaven forbid I ever forget to finish!
I didn't have nice things, plenty of hand me downs and broken crayons. My parents always complained about buying us things, or paying bills, but they always found plenty of money for their drug addiction. Every day. Surprisingly I was only made fun of once for my hand me down clothing. And it happened to be a Browns winter coat. But I think it was because the previous year they had just moved the team, and all the fans hated them. But I walked to school those two years, and it was warm. I didn't care. Any other time I was made fun of was because I wore hideous giant glasses and had lots of acne, which I still can't get rid of.
I really am the Cinderella of my house. Not wanted and doing all the house work. My brother got away with everything. Because my parents wanted him. I did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, cleaned up after the dogs, mowed the lawns, weeded the gardens, dusted, vacuumed. And redid everything if it wasn't perfect. I was blamed and beat and yelled at even if it wasn't my fault. And I had to keep my grades up. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends from school. But my brother was any time he wanted. I asked once in highschool to go to a friends house because we had a group project. I was home 1 hour late for a curfew no one mentioned, arriving home at 6pm, and beat black n blue. I never asked again. I never even staid after school for any activities except one day a week because it was only an hour.
My parents also didn't let me go to the college I wanted. I had no way to get there, and they wouldn't spend any money on me to go. And they told me this the day after scholarships for any school in Ohio was due. Because a month before they were "happy" I got into the college I wanted.
How did I ever make it out alive? They treated the dogs better than me. I don't know how I never killed myself back then. Just to be free. I wanted to be free of the pain and suffering so bad, but I never did. I didn't even have the strength to run away like my sister did. Because the system didn't help her. And they didn't take me away.
And now, now I live in that dark place again. This pain in my hands, I feel like I'm suffering again. I wonder what I have done in a previous life to deserve this. And all I want to do is give up. And reaching out seems to push people away. I try not to think like this, because there are still many things I want to do, to see. But the fact remains that I still want to give up and end it. I wonder how much happier people will be not to hear me constantly complaining. To not have one text asking for help. One less mouth to feed. One less to spend money on. Because I've been treated as worthless my entire life, I still feel this way when nothing good happens. I know I am broken, but who really wants to fix me? I think about these things constantly, and wonder how to get pass all this. I may never have those answers. It's just getting thru one day at a time.

don't get this feeling often

I'm doing OK today. Life is OK. The check book is gonna balance, we will have food, MJ is doing great, yeah, things feel nice today. I wish it was like this every day. I want to hope that I wake up and just know that a good day is here. Hell, hubby and I didn't even have one little spat about anything today!! He even wants to buy MJ a dress. Yep, showing his girly side there. 
Well, I did wake up with my hands hurting. So annoying to me, but the pain meds took care of that. I can say we were both pretty tired, so I guess that's why we didn't fight, but since it was his day off, we had a bunch to do. So no time to argue!! Our first stop was the doctor's for MJ's 2 year check up. And just wow! 2 years already!! She finally hit double digits in percentile for weight. Ever since she was born she has always been right on the edge of failure to thrive. No matter what we did, she just didn't gain weight. And even now her weight gain is still very slow, but for her age now, it's good. Still low, but good. Her height, however, is tall!! She's my skinny tall twig!! 35 inches. As long as she doesn't get big feet like I have, I think she'll be just fine. 
Next we went to lunch, where surprisingly MJ didn't eat much, even though I gave her all her favorites. She's been on a plain noodle diet, so I guess that's why. Then Joann's to get netting to fix her batman dress that got ripped. And since it was on sale I bought the blue and white for her Halloween costume this year. I can't wait!! Then target for coffee and for chuck to look at dresses. Surprisingly this target had no dresses for MJ's size. He's going to order one online. One last birthday gift since my parents once again sent nothing for her birthday. That makes me so sad. But I'll talk about it another day. 
We checked out a newly opened restaurant food supply store. Oh man, the things you can buy in bulk there!! We picked up 2 10 pound bags of pasta that MJ eats for $6 each, way cheaper than Walmart or fry's sale prices. Certain things were not a better deal though, like chicken. Ground beef was hit or miss. Sausage patties seemed like a good deal. We might try getting a big cut of beef to cut down for steaks and roast later. 
In the morning I have to go to Walmart to get some supplies. I may hit bashas on the way home, then fry's on Sunday for cheese because MJ only like fry's brand munster. And I admit, it's really tasty. And on sale. 
So yes, today made a good day. I want more of these. But I know, I know deep down, that it won't happen. I can only hope, and just try. Try to smile, try to have patience, try to work thru the pain in my hands. And currently foot. Which MJ dropped a scrapbook on. Silly girl who tries my patience daily, whom I love with my whole heart and soul. 

The Normal

Once again I'm up all night. I was so tired all day too. I don't know what it is. My husband can just totally pass out within 5 minutes. But not me. It takes forever. I watch movies yo help me fall asleep. I used to listen to the radio, but since we don't have xm anymore, it's been hard falling asleep to commercials and trashy shows on regular radio.
I suppose it doesn't help that life sucks. Once again I'm on the bottom of everyones list. No time for me, the ugly fat person who has medical problems and can't do anything. Yeah, who really wants to hang out with me? So this is the shit I think about at 1am, because that's when I hits the most. And it sucks. You don't know how many times I wish I'd just fall asleep and never wake up. Because I do feel like I'm a burden. I do feel like I'm only here as a convenience. And I don't like feeling that way. But no matter what I do, I can't change how people feel about me. I've barely made friends since I've moved here, and honestly, how will I be able to if I can't even feel good about myself?

wasting my time

I feel like a failure today. I really do try so hard to make everything work together, have the bills paid and food on our table, but it's not working. And it is all my fault.
My husband is good. He tries really hard to bring home the bacon, but it isn't enough. I used to work. Until I started going down hill with this pain. And then I got pregnant and couldn't take the medicine that helps my pain. And there went my job, my career. And the money that would've kept us afloat with very little to worry about.
So yes, I blame myself. On a weekly basis. I can't help it. My husband doesn't, but I have no clue how he really feels about any of this because he never talks about it. Just says OK and changes the subject. He never worries. It makes me think that he thinks money just appears out of no where sometimes.
But then now that I can take the medicine again, I don't get to take it like I should because I can't afford to. Medicine is expensive. Especially when you don't have insurance. Obama care is affordable my ass!!! Only if the 3 of us lived in a one bedroom apartment in a bad neighborhood. So yeah, I am paying a lot in rent to not live in a bad area, but that means I can't afford some of the other stuff that we should have. But I should be able to if I were working. But I can't work, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be able to work again. And that scares me.

Another Month of Unhappy

I'm going under again. I know we need help, but how do you get help when you keep getting rejected? My husband keeps applying to places, but he either doesn't get an interview or someone is better than he is. And he can't get overtime at his current work. It's so unfair!! He should've been promoted this year, but was looked over.
So right now we can't afford our bills. No overtime means not enough for bills. All I do now is worry. And cry. I can't stop. And the stress makes my hands hurt more. But I can't seem to do anything about it. I just don't know what to do aside from begging. No, I don't have friends to help. And my family, yeah, forget it. This year was supposed to be better than last year. Each year is supposed to get better and better, but it never happens. It's just going down hill and I don't know how to stop it.

who Needs Tape?

Sometimes I wonder why I do certain things. Like I know they will take a long time, but I do it anyways for the right look or feel. Currently I am working on taping stickers on megablox. I shouldn't have to do this, yet I am. Why? Cause MJ just loves stickers, and has to pull them off of everything!!! And I think that's more annoying than just putting tape over the stickers.
I don't think I would really mind so much about her taking off stickers, but this set is a bit education. It's the numbers train, and I will like it better if the numbers staid on for a long time. But there are other things that she has taken stickers off of. Such a silly girl. And so tape it is.
Otherwise, her birthday is coming up and I have lots to do. I have a bunch of little dollar things to wrap. It's gonna take forever!! I just hope she doesn't take hours opening her gifts like she did at Christmas. That was quite hilarious and tedious. We shall see.

Just a Little Left of Normal

For some reason today, MJ doesn't want to sleep by herself. She's been doing really well lately. I can even put her in her crib only half asleep and leave the room, and she falls completely asleep! She hasn't done that since she was 4 months old! But not tonight. Her daddy came home and up she went to be with him only. 
So now I'm in bed alone. Which makes it hard for me to fall asleep. As if I didn't have that problem already. Lol. I know both of us can't wait until MJ will sleep thru the night completely by herself consistently. But it may be awhile. Especially when we take away her binkies for good. Right now she has them for naps and bedtime only. 
Otherwise just feeling like a used napkin. I was a means to an end for someone. And I rather didn't enjoy it. Felt like an after thought, as all these conditions had to be met. At that point why bother? It was actually an invasion on my time. Already had my day put together, then oh you show up at my doorstep cause you're bored and don't want to do work and you have cabin fever? What are you, 12?? 

Just Another Sunday

I spent an hour cleaning up the living room that MJ destroys on a daily basis. She isn't very good at putting her own toys away, so it goes to me to do it. And I don't do it every day. Mostly I'm just so worn out by the time I put her to bed that I don't want to clean. But when I try to clean while she is still up, half of what I clean is back out on the floor because she thinks I've cleared a space for more play. It hasn't clicked in her head yet the need to put things away. It will soon though. 
I also put her laundry away and made Popsicles and replanted my new aloe. Someone accidentally killed it while I was out of town for a week. Oops. And earlier today I cooked lunched and watched a movie. So yeah, it has been just a regular day. But in another month, football season starts!! I'll have something else to watch besides ice age on repeat. And we cycle thru all 4 of them weekly. Sometimes watching two of them in one day. Oh how I wish I could cut down on how much tv MJ watches, but the biggest problem is her daddy. The minute she gets him up in the morning that tv is turned on. Because he claims he too tired to do anything but sit there. I have caught him sleeping on the couch while she is up too, even thou he denies it.
So by the time I get up, she has already watched 2-3 hours of tv. Where does that leave me when my hands hurt so much I can't do nothing but sit on the couch? So it ends up being more tv time. I can't stand it, but I don't know how to end it. I do try to have the radio on instead after the husband leaves for work. I try to get MJ to color or play with Lego's, but some days I just turn that tv on and we watch it all day. 
I need to try harder. 

A Little More About Me

So as it says, I am left-handed. It's great! I like being different. But there are things that are a little difficult to use. Like a can opener. I've never been able to use one correctly since it's made for right handed people. Just today I had a hard time trying to get it started on my can of green beans. I just couldn't break the seal!! And it's actually pretty hard to find a left handed one, and those electric ones never seem to hold the can. 
I do prefer right handed scissors thou! I actually haven't found much of a difference between the two except for the top blade being on the opposite side. They still cut the same to me!!
But I am sad that MJ isn't left handed. I was really hoping she would be since I am and her daddy may have been, but he was forced to be right handed when he was always switching hands in school. She is a daddy's girl, so I guess taking after her. Maybe if we have another, they will be a lefty. 
Otherwise I'm just your average female. Just started my 30's, but have more grey hair than my mother! It comes from my dad, he was fully grey by 30 actually, and he now has white hair. I try to dye it, but I have to do it every 4 weeks cause it really shows fast. I do need to lose some weight though. Since I haven't been working, I'm not on my feet like I use to be. I'm trying to find some exercises that don't put strain on my hands; they can't hold me and I can't hold weights. And once summer is over, I'll go back to walking with MJ. 
I like to read and do crafts, and I do lots of scrapbooking because that's the easiest on my hands. I used to make jewelry, but it's getting to hard. I like to cook, but don't do it as much. I watch a lot of movies too. That's really about it.

sleepless nights.

Hello again. Again with the sleepless night, because MJ decided she was going to wake up and party like a rock star. Took me 4 hours to get her back to sleep, all while sacrificing the beautiful sleep I could be having. And the worse part, my hands have been in so much pain all day!!!! So all I have wanted to do was try to relax and stay calm. It's not easy, and just as easy for anyone around to make me go off on them and lose my temper. I try really hard not to do that on MJ, but days like today make it difficult to not want to run away screaming into a pillow. 
I know part of her being awake is because she didn't want to nap during the day. I was surprisingly OK with it, and she ended up falling asleep about 6:15pm. It was quits nice having the evening to myself, but not nice when I couldn't go to bed myself. I just hope when she finally gives up naps altogether that she doesn't party in the middle of the night like tonight. 

starting new

I've thought about starting a blog for a few weeks now. I think it's a good time tonight, not being able to sleep. I'm in pain again. The constant hurt is a reminder of all the things I really wanted to accomplish won't ever be completed. It feels like a punishment, a dream I may never wake from. 
I use to keep a journal. It's getting harder to hold a pen for that long. Part of it is my daughter, MJ, she's almost 2, she loves to scribble. So I can't write when she is awake cause she will take my pen and paper and play. But when she is asleep, I either want to rest or my hands hurt too much. 
I wonder why I'm not skinnier, but somehow I still manage to hold my fork or spoon to eat. Mostly cause I still have to do the cooking in this house. And because I'm still a good cook, I want to eat it. It just takes me longer than it should. One Christmas it took me almost 2 1/2 hours to prep a lasagna. It was the longest I've ever done. From scratch, even if I grated my own cheese which I haven't done since I was a kid, it should take me no more than an hour. I shouldn't be that slow. I don't want to be that slow. But this thing, it hurts. I suffer. 
I've been to many doctors, specialists, and plenty of tests. But now I have no insurance. Even with Obama Care, it is too expensive on our budget. After the bills are paid, we have 100-200 for food and gas per month depending on my husband's overtime, if he gets any, which lately he isn't. They wanted $200 for insurance just for me a month. Yeah, that would mean no food in this house, and MJ and the hubby are picky eaters. Anyways, please don't offer any suggestions about my health on what it could be or what I should try, cause either it's too expensive or I've done it already. 
And of course I was denied disability. They said I can use my arms and my legs just fine, so I'm not disabled enough to not be working. I'd really like to see them be able to do most things while in excruciating pain for 8 hours, or out of it from the drugs to help the pain. And it's pain in both my hands, not just one. Some days the pain varies, it can be just a dull deep ache, or be just one hand for a few hours then switch, or it can be totally blinding in both hands, the skin so sensitive that just the slightest touch will send me to tears. It can feel like a burning, or stabbing pain, like a dull knife being jabbed in over and over again. Even now it hurts, but only in the back of my hands so that I can lock my fingers together and hold my phone and type with my thumbs. I don't know of any company that operates solely on smart phones, but if they did, I'm getting good with my thumb typing. Otherwise grape stomping and voice acting are my only other options for jobs that don't involve the use of my hands. 
Alrighty, enough on that. Next time, I'll tell you more about me all around, not just one aspect.